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Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in originalreject's LiveJournal:

Monday, April 16th, 2007
1:44 am
I don't know why I'm writing in here now tbh, just feeling lonely and low I guess. It's been like this for a while now, and I don't know why. Well I do, but I don't even want to get into it on here. I re-read the first entry I made, and I sound like I was trying too hard to convince myself that everything's different now. I was I guess.
Just been thinking about all the wrong turns I've made along the way to becoming who I am now. Rushing into relationships and forgetting all the people that really matter to me. I blew off my friends and family, and I don't think I'll ever be able to rectify that. But I'm trying.
I'd hurry into relationships and end up doing stuff I wasn't ready to I guess because the guy wanted to. I didn't see the point in waiting, because when I was at my lowest I guess that's all I thought anyone who got into a relationship with me would want. It's been done now so there's no point in dwelling on it, it just gets to me some times I guess.
I hate the way I look, just everything. From my weird face to the huge mass that is the rest of me. I might even be able to cope with how I look if there wasn't so much of it. Me that is. When I get really caught up thinking like that I wish I could just dig my nails in and rip my skin up, start all over again, like just tear away the excess skin and flab. Eurgh.
Rgh, I'm just so sick of feeling so low all the time. I honestly can't remember a time when I actually felt happy, not tinged with the shitty feeling that is always there.
None of this is coherent, but tbh I don't care. I don't want to go back to school, it's like I'm a whole different person when I'm there, but then again I think everyone there feels that way. I know I'm not going to pass any of my subjects, so why am I even bothering? If I'm going down that line of thought why am I bothering with anything? Nah, that's too emo for even me.
Whatever.
Cba anymore.
I'm giving up, on it, on them, on him, on school, on her and just... whatever.
x
Friday, April 6th, 2007
12:52 pm
A whole new me.
Well I've deleted all my old journal entries, I read through them and it felt like I barely recognised the person that wrote them.
Keeping them didn't seem appropriate, I'm not that same over-dramatic, pathetic little girl I was.

There they both sat, grown up and yet children -- children in heart -- and it was summer, warm delightful summer

Summer's here, or at least it feels that way, and I'm happy. It's been so long since I could honestly say that. I want to be outside, I want to be with people that make me happy, the people that are my world. I want to change the world!
I'm not anxious about Summer starting anymore as I no longer fear solitude, I embrace it! I used to have a phobia of being alone, but now I don't care so much. If the sun's warming my skin and the wind blowing around me I know I can be happy.
I want to be pro-active! I want to learn to play guitar, I want to get fit, I want to lose weight!!! I want to meet new people and grow as a person. I want to be more complete.
I want to get better! It seems I'm constantly ill lately, I've had this same flu thing for atleast half a year [honestly, no exaggeration.] I know why I've had it to be honest, it's because I've been living off of cereal and fruit; I need to be thin. I'm saying this as plainly as I want because I'm the only person that will read it.

You’re all kinds of beautiful as you end my day and you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away

I don't need to constantly be in relationships anymore. I like it better this way, I spend more time with my friends, who I hadn't realised I missed desperately.
Flitting from guy to guy is the way I want to be, I'd rather die than be tied down right now. I want the guys that I can't have, ones that don't want to be in relationships or can't commit, and that suits me just fine right now.
My exams are coming up, but I don't think I care. I don't want to be there to be honestly but if I come away with any qualification [regardless of how poor it is] the two years will be worth it.

She shacked up with the wrong surgeon. Doctor! Doctor! What have you done?

Sometimes I wish I was beautiful, I look in the mirror and think... I'm so plain. I'm nothing special. With friends as amazing looking as I have I don't even compare. I'll keep working at it though, working harder, losing more weight. I'll be someone some day, I'll be someone that takes people's breath away.

That's all for now I guess, I'll write more later. Having something like writer's block.
x

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